Love and innocence

In plain context, I’m full of wrath, lies, lust. Thief. Corrupt both mind and heart. Deceitful. I’m full of sins. ‘Di na ko pure.

Ayokong makilala mo kung bakit at paano ako naging gano’n. Kasi… kasi for me you’re innocent. Kasi after so long, ngayon ko lang ulet nakita yung mukha ng innocence. Ayaw kitang mabahiran.

I feel obliged. I never saw somebody as plain as you are. You revive my memories. That’s why I’m giving you things you want.

I told you last night… I’m fond of you.

It’s caring and guardianship. That is the most I can do. I hope I can give you more. If only I was not dispirited. I’m sorry.”

12-Oct-2006

Y > X

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Friends would ask me “Kamusta ka?” I would look at them, smiling with my braced teeth, and say “Okay naman!” in the most cheerful way possible. Sometimes I try to stop tears from sneaking out. Most of the times I really mean that I’m okay. Yes, I do.

I was kinda nervous when I received the invite for a quick dinner. I’m not sure how brave I can be when we face each other again. But things went well. We talked and chatted like old times.

It hasn’t been long since the B day, but time has done a lot, methinks. After today, I am more optimistic that we can keep that promise of friendship.

I have nothing more to say but thank you. Why I loved you and why I can stay, even as just a friend, are greater than the reasons why we crossed out one label.

Cheers!

Round 2

Having watched the Winter’s Tale recently, my fading belief in destiny has found a new light. We’re all here for a purpose. And that purpose shall be fulfilled no matter what happens, no matter how many hundred years it takes. If it’s your fate, it will happen.

The sun was high up. It was scorching hot. I was standing outside the gate of the university in my high heels and green blouse. Do I look okay? What will I do when I see him? What will be the first thing I’d say? I’m a mix of excited and nervous and, yes, self-conscious. After five years, we’ll see each other again. How does he look now? I was in the middle of those thoughts when suddenly someone spoke behind me. “Hi, miss. May hinihintay ka ba?” A bit surprised, I faced the smiling guy who’s my high school best friend. “Hiii!” And then I awkwardly gave him a brief hug while asking, “Kamusta?”

Truth be told, I still often find myself in half disbelief that we are where we are now. Five years of nearly no communications at all, who would’ve thought that we’ll be given another chance to revive the friendship we had back then. Things are not the same anymore, of course. We were teenies that time, and are adults now and more mature, I hope. Much has happened to both of us and we know little about the persons that we are now.

Us meeting again, some may think it is fate. Isn’t it awesome to be finally noticed by someone you had a crush on — fine, by someone you loved many years back? As in, finally?! What more when you’re told that you were in fact loved long time ago too. Funny, actually, that before I went into a relationship, it was him. And now that I’m moving on from that relationship that helped me get over him, it is him again. This time though, I’m the one on the receiving end.

Some may say, this is your chance girl! Take it! But it isn’t that easy. Especially when you’re broken. Both of you. I’m half scared, half confused. In fact I even wrote something about feeling that he’s a stranger and I wonder if I really know him. Things have been better since that last post, fortunately. For now, we’re just enjoying the friendship and the wonder of being reunited after so many years. Whatever will be, will be. Whether we’ll find love in each other or we’ll remain just friends, time will tell. In His time. His will.¬†Perhaps there’s a bigger reason why we met again. Why we are in each other’s life again. That is still to¬†be realized.

2014-02-23 00.23.59

Le bespren

Strange…err

Sometimes when I look at him I wonder if I really know the person in front of me. I try to remember our times together close to a decade ago. It is strange when I can’t remember anything significant. Only a few specific moments.

Being apart from each other with little to no communications at all, things have surely changed. I wonder, is it really him? What do I know about him now? Is he the same person I fell in love with back then? The one I loved unconditionally? I realized I know little now, if none at all.

We tried to catch up, get to know the 25-year-old versions of ourselves. I thought it would be easy because we had some history. But it seems harder than expected. Our impressions and expectations from each other come from our 15-year-old versions, which sometime contradict to who we are now.

How can we let go of the past and take it as if we’re starting from scratch? It remains a challenge. And a little extra effort to accept each other for who we are now.

A scent of memory

The room was filled with strawberry scent. I can smell it. But I set it aside. I was busy crying and begging him to please stop and come back to me. He asked me to leave. I hugged him, tears blurring my vision. “No. No. Please, no!” He picked up my bag and led me to the door. “I have to do this,” he said. My heart was shattered. So was my life.

I remember the strawberry scent. I was far away when it dawned to me. I should’ve gone upstairs instead. I should’ve seen it with my own eyes. That he was with someone else. What I would’ve done if I was right, I do not know. I just knew that that was it. It was done and I can never return to that place.

Happy Feet

I expected myself spending the rest of the day in the coffee shop, drinking cafe latte and trying to squeeze whatever creative juices I have in my brain. I wanted to write and update this blog about a couple of things. A sentimental one. A gratitude post. A geeky article. I imagined myself reading a book I got for Christmas while I rest from writing and look for more inspiration. But instead after a couple of hours in the corner of that place I will be frequenting from now on, I found myself packing my things and hearing the crews say “Thank you, Ma’am. Come again!” in their most cheerful voices possible. I looked back and smiled at them. I found myself walking back to the condo, depositing my things, and grabbing my jacket and some money. I bought my bus ticket and found myself on my way to somewhere cold and windy, meeting my old time friends. Now that’s a proof why I received the team’s Happy Feet award. Ha ha.